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Old 05-17-2014, 05:13 AM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 177: Laziness Is Not Becoming


Well, it's another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week we have Chad Handley, who's no stranger around here. This week, though, I'm by myself. So, let's dive right on in!

PAGE ONE

1 - 3/4 shot of CANTOR firing on an indoor shooting range.

She looks more like a librarian than anyone who should be shooting a gun.

She wears COKE BOTTLE GLASSES so thick they make her eyes appear comically large on her face. (These two paragraphs are unnecessary, as they should be part of a character description document. Chad should know better than this. The artist is going to work out all the character descriptions before they put pencil to paper.)

A gaudy red BRA STRAP clearly visible on her shoulder; a mismatching, brown SLIP protruding under her wrinkled dress. (This is necessary, although why it's important hasn't been made relevant yet. So far, this panel description is very light on necessary information.)

A FIELD TRAINER looms behind her, arms folded, watching her take her shot. (Ah! So we now have a camera angle, even though it's inferred. Good.)

Caption

THEN.

Field trainer

Impressive grouping, Cantor. What accounts for this sudden improvement?

Cantor

Well, sir, you accused me of being too cerebral on the range. I turned that so-called weakness into a strength. (I have no idea how it's possible to be too cerebral, but this is a bad opening salvo when it comes to dialogue.)

Click here to read more!
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