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Old 04-02-2019, 02:53 PM   #1
Durakken
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Express Agent rough 1st issue break down

Here's a rough issue break down of the first issue of a random idea I had...

16 pages ^.^
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Page 1 - There is a knock on a door as <KID> lay on a nearby couch watching TV

--------------------------

Page 2 - <KID> rushes to the door and looks out the door to find a FPS truck driving off
How did he get back to the truck so fast?

Page 3 - <KID> orders another pkg and waits outside to try to catch the FPS delivery man, <EXPRESS>

--------------------------

Page 4 - As <KID> watches he sees the <EXPRESS> do something amazing to get back to the truck

Page 5 - <KID> rushes into the house and orders another pkg

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Page 6 - <KID> hides behind a tree on the side of the street near the truck as <EXPRESS> delivers pkg

Page 7 - <KID> jumps onto the back of the truck just as it is pulling

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Page 8 - <KID> holds on tight to back of truck until it comes to a stop.

Page 9 - <KID> watches. <EXPRESS> enters the house.. <KID> runs over to the house to looks

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Page 10 - Half way across the streets <KID> hears a bang, slows to a walk as fear comes over him

Page 11 - The door opens, <EXPRESS> warps past <KID> to the truck revealing a dead body in the house.

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Page 12 - <KID>’s eyes go wide. <EXPRESS> calls out to <KID> from the truck
Hey kid, get in the truck

Page 13 - <KID> doesn’t react at first, but then <EXPRESS>shouts at him loudly and he quickly gets in.
Kid!!! Get in the truck now!

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Page 14 - The truck pulls off quickly, driving recklessly away.
What were you thinking kid?
Nevermind. I got deliveries to make.

Page 15 - They make several deliveries and then pulls into a large warehouse
C’mon, Kid we need to figure out what to do about you.

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Page 16 - <KID> and <EXPRESS> enter the warehouse where several other agents are sitting around. Each of the agents look dangerous even though they are in mail uniforms. They have guns, knives, and other instruments of killing out. A large man, obviously the man in charge in the back stands, glaring at the kid.
What are we going to do with you?


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FPS stands for Federal Postal Service. It's also a play on the game genre First Person Shooter.

The main 2 characters in will likely take on the monikers...
Paper Boy
Express

Other agent monikers for the characters that show up at the end...
The Boss = Standard
Female Character = Over Night
Large Male Character = Freight

It plays on the idea of each agent is a type of shipping and their powers should match in some way.

I just think it's a fun idea that is manga-esque. Wondering what other people thought of it
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Old 04-04-2019, 02:57 PM   #2
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I like the idea. Maybe give us a little bit of a tease at the set-up (new page 1), where the <KID> is ordering something on his phone and the app has "try our new EXPRESS delivery! At your door faster than ever!" or something like that. He hits "EXPRESS" and there's a knock at the door.
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Old 04-05-2019, 01:24 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by SifuJC View Post
I like the idea. Maybe give us a little bit of a tease at the set-up (new page 1), where the <KID> is ordering something on his phone and the app has "try our new EXPRESS delivery! At your door faster than ever!" or something like that. He hits "EXPRESS" and there's a knock at the door.
Hrmmm I'll consider it.

The idea comes from the fact that if you've ordered something and had it delivered to your house the UPS driver is always back in their truck and driving away by the time you open the door no matter how close to the door you are... not so much that it is fast to get there in the first place.

I've literally been standing right next to the door when I heard the knock and that still happened. It baffling really lol
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Old 04-05-2019, 11:22 AM   #4
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A tease I think would work well.
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Old 04-06-2019, 03:08 AM   #5
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Some people said it read too fast... What do you guys think?

Edit: btw Question... When it says don't post more than X pages, what does that mean exactly? Script pages, written prose pages, or what? Because I have a script that is 66 script pages, but would only actually make up 4 prose pages... So looked at one way it'd break the rules while the other wouldn't...

Last edited by Durakken; 04-06-2019 at 02:34 PM.
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:20 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Durakken View Post
Hrmmm I'll consider it.

The idea comes from the fact that if you've ordered something and had it delivered to your house the UPS driver is always back in their truck and driving away by the time you open the door no matter how close to the door you are... not so much that it is fast to get there in the first place.

I've literally been standing right next to the door when I heard the knock and that still happened. It baffling really lol
Okay, I get that. I think what I wasn’t getting was any time passing between orders, and that speed of delivery was startling without a set up. The driver warping back to his truck is a cool idea, and the twist with the assassination works for me.
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Old 04-07-2019, 03:03 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by SifuJC View Post
Okay, I get that. I think what I wasn’t getting was any time passing between orders, and that speed of delivery was startling without a set up. The driver warping back to his truck is a cool idea, and the twist with the assassination works for me.
Ahh. I see. That would be in captions and I just take as implied with a rough like this. Several days pass between each delivery ^.^

I used "warp" but that is also a key word for me to express kinda what I want. I'm thinking maybe a teleporter or speedster, but not sure on that. I haven't really thought too far on this as it is a side idea for me.
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